This is an open letter to Helen Mirren. Stop it, I beg of you. I saw the way you were looking at me on the red carpet. The whole world saw it. Why must everything be a sublimated game of cat-and-mouse with us? A quickie "In-N-Out" burger with Oscar looking on? So obvious. So vulgar. So ... so captivating. You call out to my darker nature, Dame. Make mine animal style! But seriously, this madness must end. Relatively soon. Or, you know, call me when Taylor is taking his nap.
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