(Sometimes a gently arching phallic tower, straining skyward, surrounded by fuzzy balls and spewing hot fluid, is just an Olympic torch.)
Showing posts with label Cheap And Callous Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cheap And Callous Humor. Show all posts
Sunday, February 09, 2014
2014 Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony in Sochi
Scenes (courtesy of The Big Picture) from the Putin-approved, totally-not-gay Olympic ceremony :
(Sometimes a gently arching phallic tower, straining skyward, surrounded by fuzzy balls and spewing hot fluid, is just an Olympic torch.)
(Sometimes a gently arching phallic tower, straining skyward, surrounded by fuzzy balls and spewing hot fluid, is just an Olympic torch.)
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
9/11
What a tasteful [get it?] way to honor our fallen brethren. Get down to the lobby before the supply of Bunn® coffee in the twin urns collapses, the muffins crumble under assault from patrons, or the 30-minute window of remembrance expires!
...
Saturday, August 17, 2013
No Lyin'?
From the Denver Post:
BEIJING -- A zoo in the central China city of Luohe attempted to pass off a Tibetan mastiff as a lion, state media reported. The large, aggressive breed has a trademark bushy mane that gives it a lion-like appearance, but its vocalizations are more woof than roar.
The Beijing Youth Daily said Friday the zoo also had a dog in the wolf cage, foxes in the leopard enclosure and nutrias in the snake den.
The Beijing Youth Daily quoted zoo manager Liu Suya as denying any attempt at deception, saying the lion had been lent out for breeding and would be back soon. The dog belonged to a friend of a zoo keeper who was on a business trip and needed a place to keep his pet while away, Liu said.
Liu said the leopard had also been lent out for breeding, while the snake and wolf were merely sheltering from the torrid summer heat. The substitute animals had been drafted because an empty cage would have "looked bad," Liu said. "If visitors require an explanation, we'd be happy to give it to them," Liu said...Feral Boy wonders whether they bothered to investigate the "chicken" in the zoo cafeteria's chow mein.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
How Dumb Is TV News?
Really, really dumb:
It's been reported that the names were given to the local TV station by an wise-ass intern at the National Transportation Safety Board. Apparently Moe changed his career from bartender to fact checker at KTVU News and Bart Simpson is interning at the NTSB.
It's been reported that the names were given to the local TV station by an wise-ass intern at the National Transportation Safety Board. Apparently Moe changed his career from bartender to fact checker at KTVU News and Bart Simpson is interning at the NTSB.
Thursday, June 06, 2013
New Crispy Snack Cracker To Ease Crushing Pain Of Modern Life
EAST HANOVER, NJ—The dull, all-consuming ache of late 20th century
life will be slightly alleviated next week when America's supermarkets
receive their first shipments of Nabisco's new "T.C. McCrispee's" line
of snack crackers... which should make
less agonizing the grotesque, meaningless charade that is modern life.
Available in Regular, Garden Ranch and Zesty Cheddar flavors, the new crackers will flood consumers' bodies with salt, fat and starch, momentarily producing a pleasing sensation of warmth and nourishment, and detaching them from their otherwise constant and crushing sense of profound grief.
T.C. McCrispee's are widely expected to be Nabisco's most anguish-relieving snack-food product since the 1983 introduction of Double Stuf Oreos.
"We at the Nabisco Corporation are aware of the hideously bleak emptiness of modern life," Nabisco director of corporate communications Mel Krijak said. "That's why we're proud to introduce T.C. McCrispee's as the antidote you've been reaching out for. Our tasty new snack cracker will, if only for a few lovely moments, significantly lessen the aching, gnawing angst that haunts your very soul."
The history of life on earth, according to a Nabisco press release for the new crackers, can be summed up as billions of years of darkness, uncertainty and horror. Further, it says, the life of each individual organism on the planet is "no more than a meaningless blip on the cosmic timeline, riddled with almost unbearable suffering, under the unseeing eye of a blind idiot god."
"Test subjects given samples of T.C. McCrispee's described them as 'pleasingly flavorful,'" Krijak said. "And the satisfying crunch distracted them from the parade of tears that is life."
According to T.C. McCrispee's product-development director Wayne Innis, the new cracker was specially engineered to match the tastes and habits of their target market—the approximately 220 million members of the American lower and middle class. Nabisco market research indicated that the typical member of this demographic is a hollow human shell, devoid of hope, ambition and any chance of improving his or her station in life.
The new cracker, Innis asserted, further compensates for the consumer's vast, howling emptiness by giving him or her the option of adding toppings to the cracker's surface, such as aerosolized cheese or sausage bits. "By eating T.C. McCrispee's in such a manner," he said, "consumers will be deluded into thinking they have taken actual steps to improve their lives, or—in the rare case of a vegetable topping—their health."
Consumers are eager to sample the new crackers. "I am trapped in an unending loop," Harwich, MA, telemarketer Ron Washburn said. "Perhaps when T.C. McCrispee's arrive at my neighborhood ShopKo supermarket, I will be able to confront the world with more than a deadened, glassy stare."
Said Roanoke, VA, clergyman Rev. James Forrest: "I live a shadow life, each day going through the motions of maintaining a church, preparing sermons I no longer believe in, and counseling parishioner after identical parishioner. Perhaps this new cracker can give me a reason to go on, a source of strength, if you will."
TV ads for the new crackers begin airing later this week. An animated cracker with a straw hat and cane will leap off the box and extol the virtues of the product in song form, ending on the slogan, "It's The Crispety, Crunchety Respite Of The Doomed."
Though an eight-ounce box of T.C. McCrispee's will contain approximately 12 servings, Nabisco expects most consumers, gripped by unending hopelessness and despair, will eat the entire box in one sitting.
"To really gain the full impact of T.C. McCrispee's great snackin' taste, it is best to gorge on multiple servings while staring glassy-eyed at a Coach rerun," Krijak said. "No, this will not rescue you from the throbbing, meaningless void that is modern American life. But here at Nabisco, we are confident that for millions of Americans it will seem, if only for a few seconds, as if it has."
From The Onion at :
http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-crispy-snack-cracker-to-ease-crushing-pain-of,1021/
Available in Regular, Garden Ranch and Zesty Cheddar flavors, the new crackers will flood consumers' bodies with salt, fat and starch, momentarily producing a pleasing sensation of warmth and nourishment, and detaching them from their otherwise constant and crushing sense of profound grief.
T.C. McCrispee's are widely expected to be Nabisco's most anguish-relieving snack-food product since the 1983 introduction of Double Stuf Oreos.
"We at the Nabisco Corporation are aware of the hideously bleak emptiness of modern life," Nabisco director of corporate communications Mel Krijak said. "That's why we're proud to introduce T.C. McCrispee's as the antidote you've been reaching out for. Our tasty new snack cracker will, if only for a few lovely moments, significantly lessen the aching, gnawing angst that haunts your very soul."
The history of life on earth, according to a Nabisco press release for the new crackers, can be summed up as billions of years of darkness, uncertainty and horror. Further, it says, the life of each individual organism on the planet is "no more than a meaningless blip on the cosmic timeline, riddled with almost unbearable suffering, under the unseeing eye of a blind idiot god."
"Test subjects given samples of T.C. McCrispee's described them as 'pleasingly flavorful,'" Krijak said. "And the satisfying crunch distracted them from the parade of tears that is life."
According to T.C. McCrispee's product-development director Wayne Innis, the new cracker was specially engineered to match the tastes and habits of their target market—the approximately 220 million members of the American lower and middle class. Nabisco market research indicated that the typical member of this demographic is a hollow human shell, devoid of hope, ambition and any chance of improving his or her station in life.
The new cracker, Innis asserted, further compensates for the consumer's vast, howling emptiness by giving him or her the option of adding toppings to the cracker's surface, such as aerosolized cheese or sausage bits. "By eating T.C. McCrispee's in such a manner," he said, "consumers will be deluded into thinking they have taken actual steps to improve their lives, or—in the rare case of a vegetable topping—their health."
Consumers are eager to sample the new crackers. "I am trapped in an unending loop," Harwich, MA, telemarketer Ron Washburn said. "Perhaps when T.C. McCrispee's arrive at my neighborhood ShopKo supermarket, I will be able to confront the world with more than a deadened, glassy stare."
Said Roanoke, VA, clergyman Rev. James Forrest: "I live a shadow life, each day going through the motions of maintaining a church, preparing sermons I no longer believe in, and counseling parishioner after identical parishioner. Perhaps this new cracker can give me a reason to go on, a source of strength, if you will."
TV ads for the new crackers begin airing later this week. An animated cracker with a straw hat and cane will leap off the box and extol the virtues of the product in song form, ending on the slogan, "It's The Crispety, Crunchety Respite Of The Doomed."
Though an eight-ounce box of T.C. McCrispee's will contain approximately 12 servings, Nabisco expects most consumers, gripped by unending hopelessness and despair, will eat the entire box in one sitting.
"To really gain the full impact of T.C. McCrispee's great snackin' taste, it is best to gorge on multiple servings while staring glassy-eyed at a Coach rerun," Krijak said. "No, this will not rescue you from the throbbing, meaningless void that is modern American life. But here at Nabisco, we are confident that for millions of Americans it will seem, if only for a few seconds, as if it has."
From The Onion at :
http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-crispy-snack-cracker-to-ease-crushing-pain-of,1021/
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Go, go, Yuichiro!
Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, a scooter-riding man circles the block for a third time, searching desperately for an open parking spot near the Wienery.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
All Apologies
While we're on a misanthropic, dysfunctional streak, here's one of a series of mixed media drawings by David Fullarton for your pleasure. More here.
(Hat tip to Clock satellite Jen)
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Marc Maron
I feel like a kindred member of Marc Maron's misanthropic family - his sharp and seething bitterness makes me feel welcome in a way that insipid warmth never does. Check out his podcasts, if you haven't. I'm also looking forward to his show on IFC, starting Friday, May 3 (10pm EDT).
Until then, here's a great spoof by Funny or Die to tide you over:
Until then, here's a great spoof by Funny or Die to tide you over:
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Ian Murphy Loathes You
And a lot of other people. (See: The 50 Most Loathsome Americans
by Ian Murphy). An excerpt:
32) You
Charges: You have an opinion on that Twilight slut that cheated on that other Twilight slut, and you’ll share it with anyone who’ll listen. You believe in ghosts, horoscopes, that criminalizing abortion would reduce abortion rates, karma, Fred Thompson’s reverse goddamn mortgages, that Hitler took people’s guns away, that the ATF ran guns into Mexico, and every other dumb-fuck thing because your brain’s an evolutionary mish-mash that’s better at retroactively justifying its near-instant emotional reactions than it is making rational sense of the world. You’re a subconscious brute, largely unaware of your own motivations–an animal automaton programed by biology and society to eschew reason in favor of blind prejudice, tribalism, social climbing, and a perverse ethos that values cowardice and conformity over imagination and the bravery to admit that your entire life is a moot point made by no one at all. And you’re a shitty driver.
Smoking Gun: Honey Boo Boo.
Sentence: Honey Boo Boo.
32) You
Charges: You have an opinion on that Twilight slut that cheated on that other Twilight slut, and you’ll share it with anyone who’ll listen. You believe in ghosts, horoscopes, that criminalizing abortion would reduce abortion rates, karma, Fred Thompson’s reverse goddamn mortgages, that Hitler took people’s guns away, that the ATF ran guns into Mexico, and every other dumb-fuck thing because your brain’s an evolutionary mish-mash that’s better at retroactively justifying its near-instant emotional reactions than it is making rational sense of the world. You’re a subconscious brute, largely unaware of your own motivations–an animal automaton programed by biology and society to eschew reason in favor of blind prejudice, tribalism, social climbing, and a perverse ethos that values cowardice and conformity over imagination and the bravery to admit that your entire life is a moot point made by no one at all. And you’re a shitty driver.
Smoking Gun: Honey Boo Boo.
Sentence: Honey Boo Boo.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Warning: NSFW*
Today's tip-of-the-hat goes out to metro-sexual Clock contributor rocky dennis, for warning me about the following product. (Click on the image to enlarge.)
 |
| See more at: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_rdp_product |
*: Not Safe For Willies
Friday, January 25, 2013
News Flash: China Polluted*
 |
| "Pretend you are trapped in a box of communist oppression." |
But air pollution in Fuyang, China, doesn't deter students from attending their outdoor mime class, "Marceau in the Park".
More: http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2013/01/chinas_skies_toxic_levels_of_p.html
*: Tip of the sarcastic hat to Reuters.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Political Analysis Rocky Can Understand
Why does fake news get closer to the truth than straight news these days?
Thursday, May 17, 2012
El Gordo in The New Yorker
Look -- this New Yorker Caption Contest cartoon already has an hilarious caption!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Monday, September 19, 2011
The New Normal TV Shows
From the NPR website:
The nation's poverty rate rose last year to 15.1 percent, the highest level in 17 years, according to new data from the Census Bureau. The agency's latest poverty report, released Tuesday, shows that 46 million people were poor and that the median income dropped last year by more than two percent to about $49,445.
TV writers are already adjusting to the times and creating shows for the fastest growing demographic group in the country, i.e., poor people, such as Two Broke Girls, described in Wikipedia thusly:
Set in New York City, the series chronicles the lives of two waitresses in their twenties—Max (Kat Dennings), who comes from a poor working-class family, and Caroline (Beth Behrs), who was born rich but is now down on her luck—working together at a Brooklyn restaurant. The two become fast friends and build their dream of one day opening a cupcake shop (for which they need to raise $250,000), although they can barely afford anything with the pay they receive at work, and must continually find ways to make ends meet.
Which led me to think of some more promising TV series pilots for the times:
Homeless in Seattle - A reality show modeled after Survivor follows 12 homeless people camped out at Steinbrueck Park in downtown Seattle. The homeless contestants go through challenges, e.g., putting together a dinner menu out of food scraps salvaged from dumpsters (think Top Chef, except it's really Bottom Chef!). At the end of each episode, one contestant is voted outta the park. At the end of the series, the last surviving homeless person wins a prize--free psychiatric care for life.
My Indentured Servant - A sit-com about Charles, a down-in-his-luck black man, who, after losing his decent-paying construction job, agrees to become the indentured servant of a daffy billionaire as a last desperate way of keeping his family from living on the street. The comedy ensues as the audience is "in the know" that the wise-cracking Charles is so much smarter than his bumbling boss. (Note to self: Charles should come across as an adult Gary Coleman [playful!], but be careful not to cross the line into Benson territory [bitter!]) The first episode ends with a touching scene in which Charles convinces his son, who's embarrassed about his dad's new "job", that it's "cool" to be an indentured servant.
G.S.I. America - The acronym stands for God Squad Investigations. The show is a crime drama about evangelical vigilantes, er, sleuths, who re-investigate closed cases that were solved by specious methods, e.g., use of a psychic (witchcraft) or science (unproven "theories"). The reliance on scripture and signs from God, which the heathen authorities are blind to, lead the investigators to a different conclusion to each case. Every episode ends in a suprise death penalty for someone who almost got away with a heinous crime, preferably a scary-looking black male, but every once in a while to a gay-looking white man to keep it fair and balanced. Viewers will be satisfied after every episode for the heaping serving of Justice!
#
Friday, June 24, 2011
Monday, June 06, 2011
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